Goin' Clubbing, Chrome Asylum Style

For those of you that stumbled onto this missive expecting a primer on the harvesting of baby Harp seals for fun and profit; apologies up front, chill out, put the clubs back in the bag; we're dealing with a much more controversial topic here; that of biker fashion.......a sort of "Harley crowd" version of "what not to wear". So what, no cute little pups? Not today, but relax..........they'll be featured in our next winter riding essentials article. We love the little guys, really.

Believe it or not, the "club scene" actually didn't start with the overwhelming popularity of FX's "Sons of Anarchy" cable show (which isn't all that bad, I know quite a few real club members that never miss an episode, go figure); although you could be forgiven if you thought it had. No, the stupefying proliferation of "patch clubs" has been with us for at least the past five or six years. As we've noted before in the pages of the Asylum, get two or more Harley owners together, and there's a damn good chance a "club" is gonna be bustin' out. And that's cool, just a bunch of guys getting together, riding, downing some ale, it's all good, right..............or is it?

Maybe. Maybe not. Brace yourself sunshine, it's time for a little self reflection, a heart to heart with the mug in the mirror........be honest now; being a "badass", or more accurately, appearing to be a real biker that could be a badass, even if it's just on Sunday's after the grass is cut and the girlfriend says we can go for a ride (if we're not out too late), is part of why many off us go into hock, pony up the cash and stalk the good folks at the local Harley Davidson dealership..........just admit it.

Truth is, you kinda wanna ape that "One Percenter" thing; look like a genuine biker, maybe even make the baristas at Starbucks a little nervous, but you just don't know how. And trust me, from what I see on the roads, most of you haven't got a clue, unless you consider the "biker" from The Village People the last word in sinister two-wheeled gangster attire. But help is on the way, Chrome Asylum has put together a few simple tips that'll ensure you get your "thug" on, while hopefully keeping you from getting your fanny kicked should you ever accidentally get up close and personal with the real deal, like my friends in the Richmond Chapter of the HA.

First off, and this is key, if you really want to pull off the "club look", you can't look like you're trying to pull off the "club look", it's a Zen thing. Bikers, the scary ones, the ones with records, your fashion role models, don't really give much thought as to what they're wearing (with the notable exception of their colors, whole different deal there), and they never, ever, "match". So stay out of the Motorclothes department of your local Harley dealer......there's nothing there for you (except my local dealer of course, McGuire's HD have great people that will hook you up without making you look like a clown......they get it, really). Just step away. Nothing says "poser" like bar and shield logos from boot to lid. Forget it.

Vests...........you're gonna need at least one, and a good one at that. None of that cheap $49 Paki crap they sell at rallies, no sir, you want a made in the good ole "U.S. of A" version. Something from KO Gear or Lil Joes will do nicely. Buttons or zippers up front, zippers are better. No collars or lace sides unless you're over the age of 70......leather lined CCW interior pockets are a big street cred builder, so make sure you get them (we'll cover preferred carry weapons in an upcoming issue). Four pockets max, one should have that little hole for your shades, very handy. No fringe..........but do I really need to say that??

Once you have your vest, you'll need a hoodie to wear under it when the ride gets chilly. A pull-over or zip is fine (this is one piece of clothing where it is permissible to sport your local Harley dealers wares........but better yet, find some cool local independent shop and fly their colors, so much the better if the joint's been shut down by the Feds). Acceptable colors are black (never a mistake), red, white, or grey. But be careful with colors, they can have consequences. Oh, and while you're at it, remove the pull strings, leaving them on screams "rookie!". Another option to the hoodie would be just about any Carhartt jacket, although the longer versions might "bunch up" on ya while riding.....never pretty, massive loss of street cred. If weather allows, either a short sleeve or long sleeve t-shirt is acceptable in place of the aforementioned hoodie.

Speaking of t-shirts, ah, that would be black t-shirts of course, we at Chrome Asylum caution those of you that insist on wearing the ubiquitous "sleeveless" style. Think it through my friend, if you haven't seen the inside of a gym in the past decade, sleeveless just might not be the way to go.......triceps flapping in the wind like a hurricane warning flag ain't gonna add to your masculine mystique. Cover those chicken wings. 

You'll notice that we haven't mentioned either leather or textile motorcycle jackets, and that's because real bikers seldom wear them, and if you're actually seriously paying attention here, you probably don't know when you should, and when you shouldn't wear one.........so just leave 'em off the list entirely, you'll thank us later. Next up is gloves...........fingerless. End of story, moving on. Oh, and Harley makes a great pair (I know, I know, but this is one time you can get away with it, trust me). Look for the "Torque" model.

Pants are next, and here too, Carhartt is a no brainer, as are Levi's and Wrangler's. Stay away from ALL designer labels and "purpose built" motorcycle riding pants, major no-no. You can't appear to be giving an inch to any thoughts of personal safety, so those nifty Kevlar knees.......super gay. Not on our watch. While we're talking drawers, just a quick reminder, chain wallets are cool, just don't get too over the top with the chain itself. Stick with a conventional "link" number or maybe a "primary chain" version, just stay clear of the over the top "barbed wire" and "skull" chains..........poser. Plain black wallet is best..........buy the "Bad Mother Fucker" embossed version only if you are, and even then give it a second thought. Lastly, chaps.........most of you should stay away from them. And for God's sake, don't wear them when it's hot, they're for keeping out the cold........not crash protection; remember what we told you about safety??

But what about boots you say? Glad you asked, you really don't need to wear them. That's right, next time you spy a One Percenter rolling on by, check out the footwear. Chances are, if he's younger than forty, he's sporting high top kicks, most likely Nike or Converse (that said, no running shoes or trainers of any kind, think old school, but not Vans, too "surfer dude"). Fact is, a lot of real deal guys don't wear boots. And if they do, they're apt to be a tactical style and not the harness or engineer style we see in the movies. Converse makes a great tac boot, and they're cheap too. If you're gonna go old school with the boots, do yourself a favor and check out Westco Boots.........big dollars, but made here, and worth every penny.

If you live in a state that mandates helmet use, you're kinda screwed when it comes to getting your bad on..........simply put, real bikers never wear a lid unless "the man" makes 'em. Hey, you're the one that wanted to be a tough guy! If a lid law is your reality, you're only option is to sport the smallest "peanut shell" half helmet you can find, we're talkin' novelty helmet people ( which I have to note is unsafe and should never be worn on public highways or roads, so I'm therefore NOT actually recommending using any helmet not rated at least "DOT approved"........damn, don't you just love trial lawyers!?). Sunglasses are mandatory, no designer labels.......anything from the counter at a truck stop will be just fine.

Odds and ends........ink is cool, but just one tat isn't. Be committed and original with your designs. Facial hair........yes. Knives can be handy (K-Bar and Pacific Stag are nifty), as long as you can keep them in your possession, don't be stupid. Nothing on your body should ever appear "new". And please, don't be cheesy and try to "weather" your gear, you know, roll around in the dirt, drive your car over it, or worse! Just get out there and ride.

Oh yeah, patches, we did start this little adventure talking about patches; if you want to join, or start a club of your own, fine. Just be real, if you're not a One Percenter (and trust me, you're most likely not) then don't try to "patch out" to obtain badass street cred, you're not fooling anyone, frauds are easy to spot. Case in point, a little club in Danville, won't mention their name, but guys, it ain't workin'. It's OK not to be a club member..........maybe you can settle for just being a real rider? And since we've kept you from looking like some corporate bigwig who's weekend riding ensemble was thrown together by a West Hollywood stylist named Preston, you can chill out and hit the road with your buds looking for all the world like the real deal.........whether you are or not is entirely up to you. Not bad, hey Mr. Biker Man?