Ten Things I Know You Don't Know Or Care To Know......I Think

With a nod and a wink to the ubiquitous "Top Ten" lists that have managed to slither their way into our collective consciousness.......from Letterman to People magazine, to your local sportscaster, the damn things are everywhere (Charlie Sheen's top ten house party "do's and don'ts".......come to think about it, that one might be worth a read), and the rather creepily self-absorbed world of "social networking"; I thought, what the hell, I'm gonna do my own "Top Ten" list. That's the "good" news. The bad news? I'm gonna be the "Top Ten" topic.

I know, I know........I threw up a little in my mouth too. And much like you, I can't really muster much interest either, but we've pushed the rock this far........what's a few more feet? But I promise, there will be references to some aspect of motorcycles or motorcycling buried in the following list, really, I swear. So without any further ado, or outright stalling on my part, here we go. Top Ten things you didn't know, or cared.........about me.

1) You never forget your first. For me it was a Taco mini-bike (and you were thinking?!) which belonged to a friend down the block. Mom and dad said "no motorcycles!" while under their roof......and no one could ever confuse this motorized rollerskate for a motorcycle, right? We tore through the streets of our hood, Briggs and Stratton motor wailing, no helmets, darting in and out of parked cars.........daring God or Darwin to intervene. Alas, we both survived, that Taco and me, and my love of all things "two-wheeled" was illegitimately hatched then and there.

2) Trailer trash. Yup, everyone jokes about it, but I've actually lived it. And in Warner Robins Georgia of all places. Wasn't a double wide, and to be honest, I was too young to really remember it, but live in a trailer park we did. Just so my mom doesn't kick my a$$, I will have to admit it was for a very short time, a year and a half I think, as my father was flying out of the nearby Air Force base as a civilian pilot for Air America (yeah, those guys). But I'm gonna claim my white trash street cred anyway.....trailer in, trailer out.

3) Death by any other name. The very first motorcycle I ever owned was a mid seventies vintage Suzuki PE-125, lovingly nickname "The Deathmobile", mostly because it's poor excuse for brakes were years beyond useless. The best that could be hoped for should the need to decelerate rapidly arise was a soft landing. Other notable qualities included a gas tank that leaked more than a White House intern and an exhaust pipe that was literally cracked in half and held together by safety wire weaved through holes drilled into the pipe..........hows that for tuning efficiency!? Oh, and we toted the beast to our various secret riding spots in the back of my '78 Ford Fiesta........hatchbacks rock!

4) Spider-Man, Spider-Man. Yeah, at the risk of playing the geek card, some years back I had amassed one of the largest collections of Spider-Man memorabilia on the west coast, no BS. From original artwork, vintage comics, statues, toys...........catchers mits to toilet paper, if it was Spidey related, I owned it. The collection was even profiled in a local paper..........there went my fifteen minutes. Sadly, most of the goodies have long since been sold off to support more grown up pursuits........like more motorcycles, ah, I mean my daughters college fund........yeah, that's it.

5) Lights, camera, action! As part of my affection for all things Spidey, I even wormed my way into the first Spider-Man movie of the Toby McGuire generation.......yup, "unpaid extra" thank you very much. Spent an entire day in a sound studio, with about 200 other webheads, even got lunch! Honestly an amazing experience......Sam Raimi (director) was awesome, as was the crew. If you look just right in the wrestling scene near the beginning of the flick, you'll see my back......no really, it's me.

6) Almost a spook. Fresh upon graduating from San Francisco State with my BA in Political Science, I applied for work with the CIA......."the company". Went through over six months of psych evaluations, language aptitude tests and face to face interviews, even had an extensive preliminary background check run on myself and close family members. The result? Turned down. Reason? "Too young" for a field operations gig........wasn't my age on the very first application? I'm just saying......must have been something in those background checks. Still, how many people have an official rejection letter from the CIA?

7) Crashing sucks. This is especially true when the motorcycle involved is the first new street bike you've ever owned, a 1982 Honda CB-900F, and you throw it down the road on day one, in front of the dealership. Yup, it doesn't get any more squidly than that my friends. My official story is that the motor "hiccuped" as I pulled out from the parking lot, causing me to lurch across the road, where I came to rest in gravel on the shoulder.....it's my story and I'm sticking to it. For the record, the bike survived with minimal damage.........the same could not be said of my pride.

8) Down the drain. For whatever reason, I get a little uneasy when the old H20 is, shall we say "receding", doesn't matter if it's the surf at the beach, or a bathtub, if the water's going down, I'm getting out. Just the way it is..........and no doubt the reason I never aspired to be a big wave surfer. What would Freud say????

9) Tennis anyone? Can you believe that this hardcore, tattooed (eight all together, thank you very much), Harley-Davidson riding, motorcycle industry "lifer" was once an "A" level tennis player? Sad to say, but true. Played in high school, not particularly well, but worked my tail off  and went on to occupy the top spot for two years at my junior college in both doubles and singles. Lost to the number one junior college player in the state in a tourney........didn't make it very far in the Junior Davis Cup tournaments I played in either. Fun fact. Many years later I ruptured my Achilles tendon playing a pick up game at a local high school with a guy I didn't even know. Fun.

10) Don't bone me man. Try as I might, and to be honest, I don't try very hard, I can't stomach to eat meat off the bone. That's right fellow Chromies, no ribs, no buffalo wings, no fried chicken, and no t-bone steaks. Oh, I'm no vegetarian............give me a nice New York steak any day of the week, or a juicy cheese burger. I just don't dig the skeletal remains. Won't be having it.........come to think about it, I don't even like the stick in a corn dog. Go figure.

Well, that's it, see, we made it out alive. Now you know more than you ever cared to about yours truly, probably about nine to ten more things to be exact.........and the worst part? My mom's gonna be really pissed about the whole trailer park, white trash thing. How about this, the next "Top Ten" we ever do will be the top ten reasons not to do a top ten..........sound good?