Lone Star Livin'

Those of you that are regulars here at the Asylum know that well over a year ago, I packed up the truck (pick-up and U-Haul, how’s that for Jode street cred!?) said “so long” to the fam, and headed east to the great state of Texas. Since the girl, aka my daughter, had yet to complete her senior year, I figured I best leave her and her mom at the Cali homestead, lest I lose my standing as “Father of the Year”. So for the last 15 months it’s just been yours truly, learning the ins and outs of this wacky country they call Texas…….here’s what I’ve come up with so far.

They say Ft Worth is where the west begins

Texas Nation – Texas is its own country dammit, or more accurately,  a republic, y’all. Trust me, you’ll hear that a lot, as in all the flippin’ time, Texans are a proud bunch and they want you to know that if you just don’t behave (the “you” in this case is the rest of the damn US of A) they’ll just pack it in and secede from your sorry ass. Don’t laugh, they mean it.

Howdy Partner – As a group, Texans are some of the most maddeningly, pathologically, aggressively, genuinely, and heartwarmingly friendly people on the planet. No BS, no Texas tale, it’s a fact. They will strike up a conversation, help you change a flat, or give you a heads up on cheap ammo……anytime, anywhere. Don’t freak, it’s not a scam or a hustle, they just wanna talk to ya, say “hey”. At first it’s a little weird, but you’ll get used to it………and trust me, you have no choice. They’re gonna get all up into your business. If that really creeps you out, your only hope is that eventually the “forgeiners” (that’s all of us pal, see Texas Nation) will push the natives out………then Texas would be no different from, say, New York, and then who would you chat up at the Tom Thumb?

Yee Haw! Rodeo Life

Weather or Not – The cliché goes, “…..don’t like the weather, just wait around five minutes, it’ll change”. That goes double for north Texas, although you might cut the timeframe in half. No one, and I mean no one comes to Texas for the weather. Summers are hotter than the self-cleaning cycle of your oven, provided it also doubles as a Turkish steam bath……..yeah, it’s freakin’ humid, oh, “but not as bad as Houston”. Awesome. At least it cools down at night, to about 90. The wind can blow in every direction at once, and we’re not talking tornadoes either. Ah yes, twisters, we have a wonderfully elaborate warning system here in Tejas, why, I don’t know, since we don’t have any basements to hunker in, and the houses are constructed to no apparent standard or code.  Local legend has it that the proper tornado survival equipment consists of a couple of lawn chairs and a cooler of beer……is that true? 

 What is a fact is that It rains so hard it’ll remove paint………..well, not really, but the damn hail does,  applying a lovely “Titlest” like treatment to what once was the smooth surface of your vehicle. At least you don’t have to shovel snow……..much. So what’s this crap about when the sky turns green!?! And how the hell can it rain from a clear, blue sky…………really!

Say hello to my little friend, he just might be in the hedge

Wild Kingdom – Here’s the straight dope………..every living thing in this state is trying to kill you, 24/7/365. Nothing personal, just the facts. Stinging, biting, scratching, clawing, infecting……..whether it’s the soccer moms of Southlake or the fireants under your porch, keep the topical cream handy and wear gloves, this is war. If you dig beetles the size of………well, Beetles, wasps the on the scale of hummingbirds, lizards watching O’Reilly over your shoulder, racket wreaking bugs that could drown out a Manhattan boulevard screeching from your flora……….oh, and did I mention the snakes? Don’t worry, they’re not all deadly, just stay out of the lakes, off the trails, and out of your yard, and you’ll be fine. What’s not to love????

Big City with a Small Town feel

But you know what? It’s still a pretty damn cool place to be…………and we haven’t even begun to talk about driving, shooting, and trying to buy booze on a Sunday!! Stay tuned fellow chromies!